Failing life

I had an interesting conversation the other day. It was a friend of mine reminising his college life, telling both the fun and horrors of the college and the hostel he lived in. Its funny how your imagination works through the words of others. While he sat and mentioned the people he know and described vague details, I was transported to this alternative reality, where every vague detail was valuable information. The experiences from my life filling in for the rest.
While he explained his college and the poor state it was in, I saw a college not unlike my own! As he mentioned his teachers, I conjured up people based on my life experiences. However, the one feeling I felt overpowering through all of it, was a common thread of those teachers looking at themselves people who failed life.

It was not something mentioned straight up, it was something I used to rationalise the strange behaviours he mentioned about. It resonated with my experiences of some of the greatest teachers I knew as well. I often look back and wonder how the very same people who taught me some of the things I know, the very same people who at the time were overpowering with their understanding and knowledge always seemed to have a certain addiction. A certain person was rumoured to be someone who drank between classes. A certain person could not leave the charms of tobacco rolled inside the sun dried beetle leaf. A certain person could not bear the fact of being wrong. I often wondered in my naive teen head, why are they enslaved to such things?

Ever since, life has moved on. Through my journeys, I have seen life viciously attack and rip apart some people when they were still raw and incapable of facing the asteroid that was to crash on them. I have seen life lift and glorify people for seemingly simple actions. Though, I must admit, the vast majority of my journey has seen more of the former incidents. Revisiting those people makes me realise that they have been changed forever. The cruel sculpture called life has set into stone certain aspects and carelessly chipped away others without regard of the preferences of the person it shapes. I then understand why people took the decisions they take.

The notorious habits that I could not understand now seemed to make sense, for it was the escape mechanism, the supposed balm that was applied hopelessly to cure the scars of those shattered dreams that life tore apart. I look at the teacher who forced himself into a stupor just to momentarily run away from the weight of life he placed onto himself. I then look onto the people who were tired and sick of those chipped off dreams, and look with disgust at the what life has carved for them and decide to quit life. Seemingly the only power given to us in life is the ability to forfeit it. I look back at those countless millions and wonder, what would I do? What would I do if tomorrow life suddenly chips away those dreams?

That is my single biggest fear. What would I do, if I fail life? To be honest, I do not know. However, all I know is that I no longer look down upon those notorious habits. I now look at them and the people who practice them with awe. To forger on with a temporary balm on gaping wounds is courageous. To live life with that courage is honourable.

Thinking with your head

I am not sure if this is something everybody faces, but I seem to have this strange battle between the two hemispheres of my brain (at least, I'd like to imagine it as a battle). The one half, the cool, collective, statistical, methodological one; fighting the other which is a crazy, foolish, impulsive and (insert another 10 synonyms of crazy here) . I often seem to look at life and suddenly realise that I have done what feels like some remarkably smart things like noting things down since I tend to forget or planning ahead for some eventuality that I somehow know would come to pass ( I know, my threshold of remarkably smart is quite low).
Looking back, it eerily feels like it was someone else who did that. At times, I swear, I can look back and it feels like some zombie took control and made me do something that seemingly was a genius move! It makes me look fondly at the right (or left?) hemisphere and praise it for its wonderful foresight.
Then moving on to the other hemisphere, it seems like it is the hemisphere that is all at sea, lost without a clue and loving it! It is that hemisphere that makes me shake my head and close my eyes as I attempt to obtain nirvana as I listen to some song that, at the time, feels like the best song ever written! I eagerly log on to my facebook and add that song and wait for my fellow friends to congratulate me for finding such a masterpiece! Time passes with no likes and no "wow, I cant believe I have lived so long without knowing music like this" comments... I then proceed to crib on how artistically and musically challenged my friends are.. I then tell myself that perhaps I should give them some slack, since the only obvious explanation for this situation is that they haven’t logged on to fb and maybe I should give them more time before lashing out at them... I must mention though, most times this happen, I am a bit, er, lets say, under the influence of the effects of ethyl alcohol in my blood stream.
So, I wake up the next day, with the fond memories of the evening before and the lovely songs that changed my outlook of life and music and quickly log on to facebook hoping that my friends have acknowledged my efforts in sharing such a marvellous piece of art to the world and enviously wonder how I seem to find music like this so easily... To my surprise, there are no comments/likes! I now shake my head at the unfortunate situation where a masterpiece has been lost to the tone deaf ears of my friends! I mumble to myself at this tragedy and stumble across to start my morning routine.. I then decide to make my morning/afternoon infinitely better by playing that ever so awesome song once more... I click the play button and nonchalantly proceed to apply the paste on that worn out brush that I keep promising to have replaced the next time I go to the supermarket... Suddenly, I am made aware of horrid yet strangely familiar tune emanating from my laptop speakers... I head over to the laptop to inspect this strange noise even though there is an exponential amount of foam that seems to be appearing out of one of those 12 dimensions postulated by the string/membrane theory physicists.. It takes a minute, but I finally realise that the horrid tune was in fact that very same formerly angelic song of last night that reality has distorted into something that bears no resemblance to what my memory served me.. The fb post "band x- title of song, a masterpiece that transcends beyond all known awesomeness" begins to sound like the words uttered by a musically retarded person... I stare at the screen unable to understand what took place, a blown up mouth with the 6th dimension foam adds an unnecessary urgency to this embarrassing situation... I then proceed to head back to the bathroom consoling myself that the very fact that my friends did not post probably means they didn't hear it..
Phew! that was a close one, just like the last twenty odd posts I made before...

The birthday wish....

So the earth makes another revolution around the big glowing nuclear furnace, and like all homosapiens, every once a while there is this instant that is "special" and is a day when your fellow mates acknowledge your existence and spend time celebrating another period of your existence with them. I would like to believe that I have experenced 26 of these events, but honestly, I remember only a handful. Like all other memories, many of these events have faded. Funny though, the aspect I cherish the most is not how the event went about, but the fact that people spent time to actually acknowledge me. A multitude of friends have come and gone, many leaving a mark. The un-changing bedrock of my family has forever wished me.
As the years have passed, I think of my parents ever so often. I see them and I do get depressed that like me, they too have aged. I really wish they didn't. I guess the distance between us has made me forget the unsavoury bits of our life together and made me remember the fond bits and cherish it all the more often. I have a deep grudge against my fairly useless memory, but I am ever so glad that it has also chosen to forget the bitterness of every close relationship I have had and still have. Now, looking through the frost glass of memories, I look back at the distilled honey that seems to have filled my past. A truly enchanting time...
A lot has changed since our rock has circled the big fiery mess of a nuclear reaction, I have grown taller over the years and stopped. I have had various view points that at the time really had me convinced of its authenticity and validity only to see myself at the opposite side of the fence a few years after. I have had people touch my lives as I have had the opportunity to touch the lives of others. The only aspect that eludes me are the big questions.
I am not sure why I expect myself to know the answers of the big questions. Perhaps it was the expectations I had as a kid that an adult was the person with the answers. In many cases, they indeed did have the answers. I dunno if it was just me, but at the time, the adults seemed so sure of themselves. They always had the answer and most often than not seemed to be spot on! I always thought that magically, I would be one of those all knowing adults. I have to admit, all those revolutions our pretty little rock has endured has not helped me become that all knowing adult. As I blew out those candles, I felt myself evaluating myself and grossly falling short of the passing grade.
Sometimes, I wonder, am I the only person who feels this way? Perhaps it makes me all the more reliant to look at my parent for their insight. It makes me all the more fearful of their loss. I do not wish to lose them. Through this outlook, life surely seems cruel.

Atheistic concerns...

Ever felt like people had the picture of you that was just not true?...

I really thought that i'd never face this scenario and it was more apt for those hard hitting movies detailing the life of a homosexual.. My earliest memories of this topic was those ol'movies in your childhood that you felt, at that time, based on a bogus scenario where there was a simple answer to the entire movie where the plot got twisted and turned just cuz the protagonist did not go ahead and profess the truth the first chance he/she got..

Now.. I find myself in a similar, but not-so-complicated-as-the-movie scenario of my own.. Everyone around me.. everyone I care for... have some sort of religion/idea of god that they relate to.. I on the other hand.. dont...

I find the concept of God and religion kinda like those products shown on late night tv.. claimed as revolutionary and ground breaking, but to get you to buy one, they will throw in a huge bunch of extra goodies for free.. Why something revolutionary or ground breaking cant sell itself without the need of hard selling sales people, i can never understand...

So, I have my reservations of religion and God and I understand that many people I know, who don't have/share the same.. I do not have the position that they are wrong and I am right.. but.. my position is based on what I see around.. it is hard for me to take that 'leap of faith' and "believe"..

What makes this position even harder is the fact that it goes against the 'values' that have been taught to me.. I am in essence the lost sheep that we were so often told about during catholic classes..

I still remember by mother concerned about my lack of church attendance..My teenage laziness had more to do with that one than my current religious position.. But I still remember the amusing question my mother once asked me.. "Son... Do you worship the devil??".. My shock was only overshadowed by my amusement!.. I was a fit of laughter and eventually when I finally was able to speak.. comforted my mom to drive away her fears..

I guess when I look back I can see how my mother felt the way she did.. my sudden love for rock music and experimentation with heavy metal and the coincidental arrival of my 5.1 surround sound music system.. it did result in sundays being not so.. er.. pious.. I was all in awe about rock.. I always wanted to be the rebel.. the only problem however was that I had very little to rebel against.. so.. for those 3-5 mins of the song.. i would imagine that I had a 'cause' and rock my brains out... now.. I am more content with the occasional head bangs and the cough inducing singing of a couple of words.. any more of those.. and I sound really husky (or.. some might say more like guy hitting puberty) and suffer from a fidgety neck for the rest of the day..

I have now evolved/de-evolved to a guy who would be glad to hear any good music thats new (seems like it gets rarer and rarer now)..

Moving back to the original topic

(You will see me stick to the topics now.. thanks N for the critical review that my blogs are like written diarrhoea that starts off with a purpose but shoots out with no control and direction in the end :) )

My current dilemma of me being, for all facts and purposes, an atheist/agnostic..

My problems are two fold:

First is with some of my deeply religious friends.. who seem to shoot off things such as I stand with Israel or post videos of how a science has no option than agree with the fact of God's presence due to un-deniable facts scattered around us..

I cant help but feel irritated/annoyed on their public proclamations based on absolute garbage! Now, I do feel that each is entitled to his/her position.. but if someone 'stands with Israel' cuz the bible mentioned Israel a couple of times and cannot come up with another real reason he loves Israel.. then.. well.. his idea is full of 'merde'.. Make no mistake.. If he did chip a line like.. I like their political system.. or.. the Israeli girls are 'haabaa haabaa'... sure.. I'd peg him on and probably support Israel myself... but.. to support a position based on occurrence of a country in a book instead of a real hard reason.. is something I cannot agree with...

Anyways.. moving on...

The second and more important one :

My parents coming to terms and my how I let them know...

I have always been a person who would stand up for a certain position if I genuinely feel is correct (ask my hapless roomies who i've kept awake until 2am arguing and discussing my position when they accidentaly mentioning something I could not agree with).. Needless to say.. the consequent lousy mornings at work have resulted in dinners now sticking to politically correct topics..

So this 'aspect' of me has resulted in me faced with a situation I worry about.. Christmas will be soon upon us.. and.. this time.. christmas will be with family.. so I wonder...

Will I stand up for what I believe in... or will I be in church at the un-earthly hour of midnight.. listening to my mother telling me that I should have combed my hair.. then have my brother grinning away since he did see me comb my hair for the past half an hour.. shiver in the cold and "pray" that the mass finishes quickly... enjoy the company of family huddling together in the cold.. smile as we shiver in unison.. nudge my brother and control our laughter when things go wrong at mass.. and gladly open the parking gates so that we can quickly park and get to bed...

or.. should I put my foot down and stay at home...

Something tells me I will be packing extra woollens this chirstmas...

Funny how a blog can give you the reasons your reason to do something....

Rants of a random kind

Hello Blog-o-world!

I seem to have this uncanny knack of suddenly remembering the joys of blogging when I see someone else's nicely written blog. All of a sudden it dawns to me that I love to write and always am brimming for an outlet for all of my ideas. Funny enough, life has a funny way of making other stupid things seems horribly more important.

Looking back the blog-less times I had for more than half a year now, I realise that I have been actually trying to de-politicise my life! I tried to toe in the line of "I do not wanna care and I just wanna have fun!!". Sure enough, life has a funny way of showing you what you truly love. Ever since school, I've been a largely political animal. Sharing a keen interest in all things political. I ended up being picked up for a debate just because I decided to ask some hard hitting questions at a measly school debate competition. Of a lot of things that has happened during this peroid of blog inactivity, I have found myself drawn in and again to the political world that so surrounds us! What I found disturbing was the fact that suddenly, it was a whole bunch of stupid ideas floating around that seemed to be getting a lot of attention!

Sadly our world is an imperfect. No surprise there since my vision of perfection is someone else's vision of chaos! But by and large, most people want to have a relaxed life. They don't want to be drawn into the complexities of the whole political drama and just want a position where they can simple chose between a yes and a no. To know the facts needed to answer that yes or no question, they look towards some "intellectuals". Unfortunately for us, many of the so-called intellectuals are not so different from the lazy us. They go ahead and do what I did for my geography project... Google for information... Though not a bad tool, (since I did get good marks for my geography project :D )it does sometimes give you an imperfect picture. Another bunch of intellectuals (the scary ones) are the guys who have the nasty habit of distorting truth and painting a very different picture to what really is out there to suit their needs.

It is these people, who have infected my poor lazy soul. So much infact, that it rose from its comfortable slumber and decided to take the path that it swore not to. The path of having a political opinion based on facts.

Debating always was a joy for me. It resembles a nice little chess game, where we outwit the opponent. Unlike chess however, this is not a game of set pieces. Here, your kill is made on the basis of ground crushing facts and honest questions that have the lethality of an atomic bomb. Nothing truly stands against it in a fair world. However, ours is not a fair world. The atomic weapon can many-a-times be neutralized with muck! Muck seems to have this wonderful, short-circuiting property of misdirecting you in such a way that instead of launching an attack tho break the back of your opponent, you are stuck dodging and defending your personal honour.

The best example for me, has been Mr. Shashi Tharoor. Unfortunately, for him, he always finds himself in the middle of all sorts of controversies, that quite honestly, are cooked up in the strangest pots and the have ingredients coming from the rear ends of indigested cows!

The one thing that eludes me, is how do we dodge muck and launch that atomic weapon? I might not know it for now, but I am going to find out for myself in the best place that a modern, thoughtful man can find.... er... internet forums... :D

Before you criticize me for being lazy, let me warn you. Though I might be in my warm and cozy room typing away, internet boards can be the toughest place to convince someone. People here, are excellent at misquoting and lifting all sorts of "proofs" out of context. Winning in these debates, takes more than a single man's effort. Such is the data and muck presented!

So wish me luck! I intend to get down and dirty! To be able to look at both sides of the fence, and deducing the truth by myself...

A leaving quote for those interested in debates. A very very useful one in case you have a horrible one sided topic and you have no choice but defend your case..

"If you cant dazzle them with your brilliance, baffle them by your bullshit!"

As always, please excuse me for the horrible grammar and the spelling.. :D

Movie addiction

I have often been watched with pity.. as I "wasted" weekend after weekend watching movies on my bed.. The situation was bad enough to have my room mates intervene and ask me.. if this is a sign of something more and egged me on to do more with life...
to think about it.. i always was the reclusive kind.. not like the silent person in the corner in a class room.. make no mistake about it.. I was as naughty as the next horny teen you could imagine in American Pie.. but.. strangely... weekends always made me reverse metamorphasize into my little cucoon called home... I have spent so many weekends being so sedentary that a hibernating bear would look like a kid high on excess sugar!
I really wish I knew what the reason for this is.. but until then.. i might as well enjoy it...
the one bright side of this "lifestyle".. is the movies.. I have seen so many movies now (thanks to piracy.. whooot!) that it takes me a good deal of an hour trying to sort from the list the ones I have not yet watched! What eventually happens is I end up watching some of the 'lesser' known movies.. the movies that were forgotten to be hyped... the movies that.. in essence.. could be the work on a desperate movie maker trying to use a tried and tested formula for a movie and end up looking ridiculous or.. sometimea.. it could be the work on a creative genius..
Even though I could probably give a very detailed description of Megan Fox's.. er... "things".. I have a terrible memory remembering the movies that actually moved me!
One, I remember was about death.. a grim topic.. but.. a truth all of us want to run away from.... If a person dies.. we console the relatives.. act shocked and surprised... or give a consoling look if the person had lived a full good life.. fact is.. we are so unnerved by it.. we just dont know how to react to it.. The near and dear ones.. understandably are in too much pain to be able to react.. its the people who were not really close to the person who passed away that end up being all awkward..
I guess its the whole knowing someone enough to have the respect to go and attend his funeral but.. not knowing him enough to be able to share the pain is what makes it unbearable..
Its a situation I have been in a lot of times..
Sometimes.. the person was a close friend/relative of your parents... Being in a situation where your parents are inconsolable.. and you look at the person.. fondly remembering a few hazy memories when he/she visited your home and gave you a little chocolate.. or.. maybe took you to the church or a walk..
Simple events.. that.. did not really mean much to a kid who's prime concern was seeing superman on tv.. But, it surely was the beginnings of becoming fond of a person... and now.. suddenly.. 10 years later.. he/she is no more.. You look at your parents.. and want to share the pain.. but.. you can only feel sorry for them.. you look at the relatives of that "uncle" or "aunty" who passed away.. unable to recognise anybody.. you just stay silent.. sorry all around.. a few distant memories for company... and a feeling of helplessness to console..
If a body had a spirit.. would it also feel this way?.......
Coming out of this probably controversial topic (hoping not to get flamed if I came out as too harsh about death).. its the unknown movies that seem to have made more of an impact on me than perhaps the rest..
a few I can remember is probably..
1) the movie abt death (the title I dont seem to remember).. the movie was about death.. all characters were.. cartoony.. Cartoony in the sense that some sorta effect was added to the regualr movie that made everything look.. cartoony... perhaps to give a comic effect to a movie dealing with death..
2) The man from earth: probably one movie where the story is was a conceptualised by a genuis, and acted by some of the finest... a concept that was so crazy.. but.. so.. simple.. It was categorised as a Sci-Fi movie.. Probably the one with the smallest budget and perhaps one with the most intense story line..
3) Strictly about sex: Well.. I have to admit.. the reason I had a second glance at this movie while going through the list is the 'sex' in the title.. but.. what got me more hooked was the plot.. perhaps watching movies with raunchy titles are now a must thing for me.. The movie young people fucking was also another refreshingly nice movie.. strangely appealing to my reptilian and higher brain at the same time!

This blog is just like trainwraek.. I am sorry.. I did start off thinking that this blog will be about the positive effect of movies.. but.. I just kinda got lost typing away..
Long blog short.. the movie strictly about sex.. taught me one thing... open your mind.. relax.. and do things because you like to..
that was the mantra I lived by a few years back.. now.. not really...
it felt like kiss and a slap on my cheek.. a slap reminding me of the fact that I have so truly lost myself in this world.. wandering about.. becoming a different person.. a person that has lost all sense of direction and is running a rat race just because he is in the middle of one...
and a kiss.. because.. even though my lazy lifestyle has resulted in a gain of a couple of kilo's around my waist and a host of other problems.. it did bring me to realise something that was way more important.. that is... the way of life i can live with... a way of life that I believe in... and.. a way of life that I belong to...

Bloging off for now.. will make a rough run through to correct spelling mistakes and such.. excuse me if I fail miserably.. ;)

oh look.. I found my blog again

Turns out work and other events (some people call it life) had made me ignore the blogging for a while. During this time, I have seen a couple of sore throats, parties and silly fights come and go.
The new year and a random thought during a hangover brought about the resolution to "start blogging again" or was it "stop clogging the drain"?
Anyhow, seeing how the latter can be a lot more 'work', i've decided to... *drumroll* "start blogging again!".. (and the audience collectively launch projectiles of rotten tomatoes and eggs to the weakest build up to a climax ever!)
I wondered if I should continue my ranting of obvious issues a habit or should my blogs have something that is different (perhaps a couple of nude pics to bring in more attention). Though nude pics, was a great idea (according to me), recent events of my friends running away and trying to gorge out their eyes when they saw me topless on the beach, gave me an impression that maybe.. just maybe.. the world might not be ready yet...
So i have decided to bore you all by attempting to write stories.

So to everyone out there..
Wish you a Happy new year.. May God provide you the courage to face a new year where the terror of Ashish's stories is unleashed into this cyber world, corrupting it forever!!

Bon Courage!